Friday, June 5, 2015

It's not Quite Screwtape, but...

“Good evening everyone, good evening. It’s 7 o’ clock, so I’m calling to order our biannual meeting to decide who shall be the leader in what’s cool and relevant.”
Voice from the audience: “Our club is strictly about who hates God more, you castrated clod. Our job is to move society as far from Christianity as possible, who gives a rip if it’s cool or not?!”
“You’re out of order sir, new atheism is dead. You know very well the importance of getting buy in from the public. Being well liked is an exploitable phenomena that the public at large will gladly voluntarily consent to, and if we frame the debate properly then we can lead people against the bloodthirsty God of the Christians humanely. You know that. Now where was I? Oh yes, since tonight is a special night, I’m going to give a brief word of exhortation here before turning it over to an open debate as to who should be our next leader.
We’ve made great, I’ll even say tremendous strides in this last administration, and I can’t be more proud of my Gay Pride coalition for having lead our group to these great heights. We’ve stuck our finger in the eye of God in using His promise not to bring watery judgement upon us as our banner to sexual promiscuity and same sex attraction, and we’ve got the foundational institution of marriage on the run even in Catholic Ireland. If re-elected for another six months I plan to push man-boy-intergenerational love affairs as cool and continue to financially ruin Christians using the court systems. I promise we’ll have even more success in the near future railroading everyone, even gays with my plan, because we’ve got so much great momentum. Want to envision the future with my group at the helm? It’s a thousand times more of what we’re already doing. Why, with our opposition scattered and scared, we won’t even need to lie in the near future. I don’t think it a stretch to say that if re-elected I guarantee success. With that, I’ll turn it over to whoever wants the mic next, although as first speaker I’ll be moderating any out of line comments. Wow that was fast, yes you madam, the floor recognizes your voice.”
“As the oldest one here I say now’s the time for the leadership to return to Feminism. We kicked off the movement, we first paved the way to success, and therefore it’s our movement. We built it from the ground up and it’s high time you give it back—”
“Ha! Sit down grandma. You’re idea that women are better than men was good only because God made men and women equal. Not to downplay that, I’ll grant you the point that you’ve done a nice job hiding your hand that men should be weak and servile, you’ve done well pushing men out of the public sphere and declaring a war on boys, and that’s well played against the nuclear family, but you’re still clinging to biology. You’re not willing to go where this needs to go. You can’t drive looking in the rearview mirror and you can’t lead from the past, it isn’t cool. We need new ways to stick our finger in God’s eye, so what have you got for us in terms of vision today?”
“Working women.”
“Your plan is a simple swap of the gender roles?”
“No, it’s much more miserable and wretched then that; we plan on blighting women too! We’re going to teach all the women that they’re the victims of male oppression, that they’ve not, nor can ever achieve parity with men and should be angry about this. We’ll tell them they can be happy once they’re equal, and so long as they’re unhappy they know they’re unequal. Thus we’ll tie happy feelings to justice, and mire them a perpetual unhappiness. In this way the men on the bottom will be unhappy because they’re oppressed, and the women on top will be miserable because we’ve taught them to cherish misery. Imagine a society of perpetually unhappy middle aged childless women who slave over careers, their backs bent and broken, while the rest are single women worried sick over their misbehaving kids who grow up without fathers and end their lives in jail.”
“You just equated childless women with misery and affirmed women can and should be mothers. I warned you not to look back but you didn’t listen. Now you’re disqualified.”
“You’ve moved too far, too fast! It’s one thing to take control, but you’ve taken away our voice, and done so deliberately! You’ve set up an administration that’s no longer friendly to us. We never intended to have you co-opt the definition of feminine with your patriarchy notions of female. We want the vagina monologues to be about people who have vaginas again—”
“You’ve made your point I think. Out of charity I’ll give you a vote. All in favor of bringing feminism to the forefront of cool? Hands? You’re dismissed madam. Your holding to the tenants of fruitlessness is commendable but insufficient. Yes, you, the floor recognizes the minority candidate representative. Go ahead sir, but I warn you, grievance mongering won’t be permitted in here as it is out there.”
“We should lead cool. It’s our time now. It’s our right to lead. The notion of race has been used powerfully to separate people from each other, foment division, and it can be so used again. God created us a single family and yet we’ve managed to get everyone to use the word as if we’d evolved independently. That’s an achievement that deserves recognition because it’s still paying dividends. As of late we’ve done great work in developing protected minority groups. Combined with a socialist system where the protected minority is the oppressor but labeled as the victim, we are poised to make a mockery of God’s notion of justice too.”
“Vote of hands? No sir, sit down. You’ve made a valid contribution in having protected victim classes, but that can just as easily be my coalition based on sexual identity than it can yours based on skin color. Plus my group has the added bonus of being an explicit perversion in the Bible while yours isn’t. Your group also represents a delightful form of diversity to God whereas mine doesn’t. You sir, the floor recognizes your presence. Go ahead and share with us your vision for leading.”
“Thank you. I’m going to officially bring a splinter from your group into the forefront.”
“Aright, the floor recognizes the transvestite group to make an independent bid for leadership. Proceed.”
“We think the future of cool lies with transvestites. I know some of you think that we’re a hide bound 1980s kind of cool, but with modern surgery, hormones, and fashion trends, we’re a viable kind of cool now. As you know my group is explicitly condemned in the Bible, but what I think makes us worthy of the leader of the anti-God movement here is our plan to simultaneously affirm and deny gender categories.”
He looked around at the shocked expressions before continuing. It wasn’t what they’d been expecting, and was a radical application of post-modern thought.
“On the one hand we trannies affirm biology—that a woman should have breasts, wear dresses, and flirt with men, and that men shouldn’t have and do these things. On the other hand we assert that all it takes to be a woman is to be someone who feels like a woman, and the brilliant part about this is how it solves our biological problem of not actually having wombs or birthing hips. Our plan is to say that reality is what you feel it is, and in this way we can deny even the biological reality around us while affirming it when absolutely necessary. We’ll pretend when we can create reality, and when reality breaks in, at say the bathroom, we’ll pervert the gender categories enough that it will be acceptable to use the women’s locker-room. It’s win-win. Thank you for your consideration.”
“Oh my yes, that’s a fabulously cool trend. We can get everyone to pretend that men in tight dresses are women, holding their glasses, nodding in sophistication that it’s courageous to be a woman while having the sexual organs of a man. Can you imagine everyone at an upscale urban party forced to agree soberly that a hairy linebacker with a huge wiener is an attractive woman? Its offensive to our created order, while brilliantly making a mash of logic to assert something can be its opposite at the same time. I like it.”
“All in favor?”
“Yes, you sir with the tight shirt, soul patch, and ripped jeans. Go ahead why you should be the leader in cool.”
“Because my coalition offers a safe and happy alternative to most of your perversions, yet are tolerant and inclusive of everyone, perfectly willing to love anyone no matter what. Besides, why should cool mean anti-God? I propose that it means instead what young people are doing.
“Wait a minute, wait, wait, wait. Aren’t you a pastor representing the latest mega church movement?”
“Yes. But I’m more than yesterday’s cool, I’m tomorrows cool too! I’m timelessly cool! I do a lot of things God isn’t pleased with just as you do. Have you considered that perhaps I make Him even angrier than you do? Remember He had more to say about the Pharisees and people who were religious and outwardly pro-God than He did to you ordinary perverse sinners.”
“No I’m sorry sir, you are still too close to the matter.”
“No! We don’t believe in Him either you know! We’re more like clubs! We really worship nature and global warming and all that!”
“We’re aware of the facts. Your bloggers and recent work to get God classified as a she is admirable. But while you may be cool to Christians, being a big fish in a small pond, here you’re a small fish in a big pond. You’re never going to be cool, your organizational name has too much baggage.”
“No, you’re making a mistake here—a human person is more than a collection of lusts and urges—we’ve got minds. We’re worshipful creatures who need to look up to something suitably big or we’ll become disenchanted. It’s not a matter of if we will worship a god, it’s a matter of which god we’ll worship. If you don’t at least involve my coalition then people are going to wake up one day from the spell and bring down the whole system in rebellion.”
 “The day they wake up will come too late. Sit down. That’s better. Final call for applicants for leadership? Go ahead sir.”
“I will slay all of you infidels.”
“Ah, sir, do remember who the real enemy is. Our coalition is held together by thin margins as it is, it’s not prudent to vocalize your schismatic tendencies so openly.”
“I do not hear your pathetic mouse like squeaking as warnings. Allah willing, I will kill all of you and take the throne of this pitiful organization. There is nothing you represent that I don’t. Child marriages? False religion? Persecution of Christians? Thuggish minority power structure? Violence against the weak and helpless? Long history? Enemies paralyzed with offending us? Face it, we’ve done more to fight against Him than all of you put together. That makes us cool. And whether you agree we are cool or not we are taking over anyway. Because we are men.”
“Oh my. That is cool. It’s problematic to say the least since you don’t get along with any of our other groups on the face of it, but that’s a reasonable price to pay for how cool it is. And rather than abort children you could raise them to be weapons of hate and terror… mmmm… alright, let’s take a vote.”
“No vote, if he wins then my feminists are done for. I block the vote.”
“You can’t.”
“We either vote now or we all disband and each pursue their own agenda.”
“Each group would struggle to mint their own agenda and furnish their own credentials on who is most anti-God. There would be total chaos. It would be a bloodbath.”
“Better red than dead. I vote to disband.”
“You can’t!”
*Transcript ends*

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